Friday, April 20, 2007

Curt Schilling is Fat, and Other Observations

Good evening ladies and gentlemen! Coming to you live from Queens, NY... I give you Rough Justice's game log.

6:57: I am perched anxiously at my laptop watching ESPN's pre-game coverage. Boy, noone scares me quite so much as Manny and Papi batting a combined .900 against Andy Pettitte. Very comforting, considering Schilling, while fat, is dominating against the Yankees.

7:00: Aaaand, thank god I realized the game is actually on YES. At least that saved me from hearing Steve Phillips blow himself about what an awesome evaluator of talent he is. Mo Vaughn? Robbie Alomar? I give you a hearty "go fuck yourself" from my Mets brethren, sir.

7:01: Michael Kay, while pompous and probably kind of a dick, is decent when backed up by a decent color guy. Too bad John Flaherty is co-announcing. Where have you gone Jim Kaat?

7:02: I can't possibly keep this up... but I'll be damned if I won't try.

7:05: Schilling is now showing off his bright green Red Sox Jersey in the 'pen. Boy is that hideous. Say what you want about the Yanks, their uniforms are the very definition of class.

7:07: Is Fenway the best stadium in the major leagues? Maybe, but I've never been. Thoughts?

7:09: And the green-clad Red Sox take the field, gay fans everywhere sob in unison. They are apparently honoring the Celtics. Whoopdy doo. Would you see the Yanks honoring the Knicks with orange and blue? Didn't think so. Truly atrocious.

7:10: Chubs takes his warmups, and we are ready for baseball. Flaherty tells us that Schilling works the umps. He looks like he ate a few.

7:12: Tito gives Torre a nod that is more suited to a prison greeting. Sure, there are no hard feelings from that 5 game sweep last August. Damon grounds out to Dustin Eckstein, who I can already tell has three dink RBI hits in him this series. Jeter pops out on one pitch. Terrific. An overweight, huffing-puffing Schilling will finish the inning with eight pitches.

7:13: Bobby Abreu has never swung at a first pitch. Read more about this in my new book, "Hyperbole - How I Make Shit Up and Make It Sound Believeable." He flies out to Milton Crisp in center on the third pitch of the at-bat.

7:16: Good to see Julio Lugo back in the saddle, a weaker man would just beat his wife all day... too soon? Pettitte looking like he's gonna keep the ball down early.

7:19: After a Lugo groundout to Captain Clutch, Kevin "I'm Not A Hitter I Jus Walk Alot" Youkilis takes one in the hands, almost in the face. Awesome, a beanball war with Schilling. Thanks Andy. Ten bucks says ARod eats some dirt leading off the second. Now Ortiz, with a man on, will no doubt punish Pettitte for being less ethnic than him.

7:20: Shot of Manny's dreadlocks made me throw up in my mouth. Will he even show up to the Hall of Fame when he's inducted? Or will he be too busy posing for EBay pics with his neighbor's grill? Ortiz walks on four pitches and the Sox are set up with Manny, a righty, against Pettitte, a lefty. Poor decisions are being made, and I can't stop it.

7:21: DOUBLE PLAY! Yay. Cano stops and has a Fenway frank while he waits for Ortiz to get to second.

7:24: Arod up. Apparently, he only had 5 RBIs in the 9th inning ALL OF LAST YEAR. This year? Seven through 14 games. Interesting to note. Schilling drops a 2-1 curveball under his bat for the second strike. Ends in a deep flyout to center, hit one-handed. Ball is REALLY carrying off his bat.

7:26: Phone call from Neil (his real name) as Giambi steps in. Popout to Manny, 2 gone. Hiphip Jorge drives one to deep left center, but Coco Chanel puts it away for the third out. Looking forward to seeing this bottom third of the Sawx order in action, or rather, inaction. Also, wondering if that decision not to eat yet today will come back and haunt me. My guess? Massive 7-11 run in the near future. Mmm, taquitos.

7:30: JD Drew was nice enough to show up for the game, Kay comments on his lack of "fire." Maybe it's the millions of dollars he's being paid to play a game. Of course, as I write that, he lines a single to right. I fucking hate the Red Sox.

7:32: Mike Lowell sucks, but bats .700 against the Yankees. That's fair. Double play it is. Two down, the Artist Formerly Known as Jason Varitek up. I am reminded less than fondly of the time he punched ARod in the face when he was still wearing his mask. Real tough, douchebag. Thank being said, if Posada ever ages 10 years like 'Tek did, I'm going to kill myself. Groundout to ARod and this game is moving pretty damned fast.

7:37: Kei Igawa's teeth need fixing. We don't tolerate that shit here in the States, Iggie. Robbie Cano (inaugural Staten Island Yankee) at the plate. Japanese Dunkin' Donuts sign is getting too much attention, show me the goddamned game already. 3-0 on Cano, one of the hardest people to walk on the entire team. Manny woke up in time to bungle a diving catch, single for Robbie.

7:40: Melky looks like he put on a little bulk... not necessarily a good thing. Kay refers to Schilling as "chatty." I call Stalin "aloof." Melky rips a single to center and Big Schill wipes some cannoli cream off his face with his glove. Least he's not using it on the ball, Kenny.

7:42: Doogie Mintkayvitch (phonetic) drops down a bunt (USEFUL!) and there's men on second and third for Damon. Schilling complains to the ump about a pitch (might be right), sandwich falls out of his back pocket, Damon grounds to short, RBI. Nice little sequence there. With Jeter up, Schilling keeps moaning about the outside corner, gets a pitch called a strike that was a foot outside. God I hate him.

7:46: Aaaand he walks him anyway. Abreu up, men on first and third. First pitch, 82 mph on the YES gun... but it looked like a fastball. Hmm. Kay comments by saying, "Schilling came into camp a little heavy..." I comment on David Ortiz being a person of color. I can play the state the obvious game, too. Abreu gets punched out as Schilling catches his breath from walking off the mound. 1-0 Janks, middle third.

7:50: Cigarette break.

7:55: Ahhhh. Much better. Pettitte gets the first two outs easily. 2 strikes on Lugo, shots of Red Sox bullpen, swear I see Lefty out there warming up, dodging Mike Timlin's tobacco spittle. Fuckface behind the plate isn't giving Andy the inside corner. Try crying like Fatso, Andy. Lugo walks.

7:59: A small child falls out of Youklis's goatee. Andy shows off his move to first. First crowd shots of front-running female Red Sox fans in their pink hats. My hatred grows. I'm begging Pettitte, after three hard hit foul balls on inside cutters, to drop a deuce in there. Infield single, as Jeter fails to make his signature play on a throw to second. Sigh. Now I have to hear about range factor and other bullshit defensive stats for the next week.

8:04: Ortiz shwwwwwingin at a slow curveball, 0-1. Grounds out to Cano in short right as I wipe drool from my face thinking of taquitos. What's the deal with these fucking Crunchers commercials? If it's a show, I'm not watching, so stop already.

8:06: Arod up again. Boos aren't as loud as I remember, maybe they are thinking he'll opt out and play for them. I cry on the inside. Michael Kay blows the call as Arod goes deep to left. AN A-BOMB, FROM A-ROD, and the Yankees take a 2-0 lead. Girls in pink Boston hats leave their seats to go give tug jobs in the Fenway mensrooms.

8:10: The Giambino goes down on strikes as Schilling stops the game to go blog about how bad he feels that he gave up a homerun to Arod. Topical huuuuuuumor. Splitter in the dirt and Posada has a 2-2 count. Manny loses his hat chasing a pop double into the corner, legions of rastafarians ask him to put it back on to save their image.

8:13: Cano grounds out to first, moving Posada to third (which is good, because he is a notoriously terrible baserunner and would not have scored on a base hit from second). Melkman gets HOSED on an inside strike call and I am getting legitimately angry at the blind bastard in the umpire costume. Melky flies out to center, Schilling retrieves the powdered doughnut he uses as a rosin bag. Middle of the fourth, 2-0 Janks.

8:18: Posada's out of the game, no word on the injury. Alarms sound in the empty Yankee catching prospect office. Manny up, 2 strikes... then down looking. Nieves DOES present a better target, but has zero hits on the season. Anyone have my cousin Sal Fasano's number?

8:20: Carl Pavano and JD Drew, both lacking fire? Interesting little conversation between Flaherty and Kay here. Anytime a 30 million dollar pitcher is likened to JD Drew, it's time to cut ties. Drew singles into right, trapped by Abreu on the dive.

8:22: Lowell listed as former Yankee prospect. Who gives a shit? Is there a more non-descript player? JD Drew caught stealing even thought Pettitte threw that pitch into the ground, nice arm, Nieves.

8:24: Fucking Mike Lowell singles off the wall, I will refrain from insulting any Boston player while they are at bat from now on. Crash Varitek steps in. Gets beaten BADLY on an 88mph fastball, large plastic fork lodges itself in his back. Of course, as per the agreement with God and Satan, he immediately goes opposite field to tie the game. I hate the Red Sox.

8:25: Pettitte loses the strike zone, Coco Puffs does him a favor by tapping to short. 2-2 top of the fifth. I am now officially starving to death, although you wouldn't know it from looking at me. There will be a taquitos break after the top of the 5th, and the second half of the blog will begin when I return from 711.

8:31: We are reminded of Doogie's role on the 2004 World Series. Since that series wasn't played, I don't know what they are talking about. Suddenly, I've developed a tic.

8:32: Schilling WON'T STOP WHINING... 3-2 to Mintkayvitch, who flies out to Cereal Boy in deep center. Kay criticizing the non-signing of Damon by the Sawx, while excoriating (pah) Bobo McAwfulname, Boston's current centerfielder. Of course, Damon goes down looking, as Randy Marsh wipes Schilling's semen off the inside of his umpire's mask. Posada's out with a bruised thumb, victim of a Pettitte cutter.

8:36: Cap'n Jeter at the dish, 2-2 count. Rips a base hit to left to give Abreu a chance to stop watching strikes go by. Schilling stalking around the mound looking for his World of Warcraft emote list so he can bitch on the Internets about Marsh's strike zone. Kay says that Schilling "doesn't want to feed him a 2-0 cookie..." I refuse to make the easy joke. Abreu singles to right, first and second for ARod, who can go a looong way with a little poke here. That is what she said, in case you're wondering.

8:41: Curt's velocity up to 93 all of a sudden, check him for performance enhancing condiments. He's thrown 81 pitches through 4.2 innings... Yanks can smell that terrible middle relief and are salivating. 94mph on an inside fastball, ARod swings through it. Schilling hangs a slider aaaaaaand SEE YA!!! ANOTHER HOMERUN FOR ALEX RODRIGUEZ!!! Terrible O'Fieldpants ends up over the low wall into the Boston bullpen. ARod has 30 RBIs in 15 games. In a related story, I am now fully erect.

8:46: Giambi singles, Nieves grounds out. 5-2 Jankees, taquito time. Back after the break with the second half of the game.

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