Curt Schilling is Fat, Part II

Well we're back, freshly armed with delicious 7-11 taquitos. On with the blog:

9:07: Top of the seventh at Fenway, and as pink-hatted Boston sluts wipe their cheaply adorned faces clean of semen, Schilling deals to Johnny Damon. JC Romero warms in the bullpen, as Schilling wonders what snappy comeback he'll have for the press after the game. Damon down on strikes with Schilling's 98th pitch of the night.

9:09: Nice play by Lugo to his glove side, Bill James immediately inflates his range factor by 10. Jeter out at first, Abreu down swinging, taquito down chewing. Bottom of the 7th.

9:14: I don't know how they do it, I don't care how they do it, but those taquitos are sex in pseudo-ethnic food form. Varitek singles against Pettitte, who threw 7 pitches in the 6th. I hate Jason Varitek. In a related story, this game is most likely not over with the score as it is now. Would like to see another 6-10 runs from the Yanks. Noone warming for the Yanks, as Count Chocula starts his long career of annoying me by fouling off pitches. Michael Kay missed a popup to the booth, and John Flaherty is giving him shit about it... endless fun with overweight, overblown TV announcers.

9:17: Crisp beats out a high throw from ARod. Fuck it, give him the error. Didn't set himself, should've thrown to second. Gator Guidry out to talk to Pettitte. Two men on for powerhouse Wily Mo Pena, pinch hitting for Eckstein Pedroia. I smell a comeback. FUCK.

9:20: Wily Mo whiffs on a high change, 0-2. Pettitte toying with outside cutters... should be thinking about high fastball here, although he wants double play. Andy JUUUUST missed with a backdoor cutter... Randy Marsh strikes again. A rare non-seated Joe Torre shot in the dugout... Andy's gone if he doesn't get Pena here. Happy birthday to Don Mattingly, btw. WHIIIIIFFAH for Wily Mo and Andy collects the K. Big time players make big time plays, that's all I have to say about that. Torre out to collect his veteran lefty, the Proctologist coming in to face Lugo.

9:25: Tenth game for Proctor, Yanks have played 15. Something tells me he'll be hitting 100 innings again. I like him though, he's got a mistress in my hometown of SI. He induces Lugo to pop up to right. Kevin "the only Jewish Greek Major Leaguer" Youklis at the dish. He pops out to the fourth person in the holy trinity (or would it be quadrangle?), and ARod puts it away. 5-2 Janks, top eight.

9:35: JC Romero out as official sacrificial lamb of the Sawx 'pen. ARod continues his ungodliness by rapping a double down the line and the Giambino knocks him in with a flare to right. Few would take the extra base on JD Drew, but ARod caught him calculating exactly how much he fucked the Dodgers last year and took home. Nice baserunning there, as Kevin "Black Bubba Crosby" Thompson comes in to run for Giambi. A fielder's choice from Nieves drops Thompson at second, Cano facing the funky lefty now, cracking a line single off of the wall in left. Pink-hatted whores leave the game to turn a quick trick on Landsdowne street before heading back to Southie.

9:39: Kyle Snyder, doing his best Bronson Arroyo impersonation, right down to the unwashed hair, comes in. Melky up with men on first and third, he looks a liiiiiittle lost out there. Two terrible swings later, it's 0-2. Brim-high fastball strikes him out, 2 down with 2 on.

9:45: Mintkayvitz up, as Kay pimps his interview with Quentin Tarantino on "Awkward Conversations with People More Famous Than Me aka: Centerstage." George must've been high on oxygen when he approved that nonsense. Minty walks, Damon up with the bases juiced. As I recall, I was more afraid of Damon with the bases loaded when he was on the Sawx than anyone else besides Papi or ManRam. Something about putting the ball in play consistently... anyway, he bats .407 with the bases loaded. Jus showed a clip of a game in 2004 when he hit a grand slam off of Javier Vazquez. Kay said it was from the ALCS of that year, but that can't be right, because they cancelled it after Game 6. Damon grounds out and we are through seven and a half.

9:49: Taquitos make their presence known to my stomach. My stomach is having none of their Mexican antics. Tomfoolery ensues.

9:51: Mike "But I'm Left-Handed, Coach!" Myers in to face Ortiz, who greets him with a smash into left center. Papi then hilariously tumbles into second base in a good imitation of a drunk father of four at the company softball game. Myers hits the showers, having failed at doing the one thing the Yankees have him on the roster for. Thanks, Mike! Luis Vizcaino coming in, and I would be stupid not to mention that the odds of a two-run ManRam blast just went up 300%.

9:55: Strikes one and two sail by the comatose Ramirez, who looks like he would like to be anywhere but on a baseball field right now. Mariano warming in the 'pen. Interesting.

9:57: Vizcaino has now gone 3-2 on Manny. I, for one, don't trust this guy. He has Jay Witasick written all over him. Aaaand he walked him. Gator adjusts his 'stache and heads out to talk. JD Drew stops counting his money in the dugout and comes out for an AB. Cano throws him out on a grounder and there's one away.

10:00: Lowell out there now, Flaherty actually being very insightful, talking about how he only has pull power, and that they should keep the ball away from him. He grounds one past a suddenly immobile, diving Rodriguez and Ortiz scores. 6-3 Janks and my ass puckers just a little bit. They are going to Rivera. WOW. This game clearly very important, probably with upcoming pitching matchups being what they are.

10:03: Showing clips of Marco Scutaro hitting his first homerun in two years off Mariano not the right segue into this inning. Varitek stands in against the best reliever in the history of baseball. In a related story, the Yankees don't have any saves, which is killing my fantasy team. I need to focus here.

10:05: Mo showing that two-seamer he's been tinkering with for three years now, seems to have it working. Tek down 1-2. Rips a single into right and I'm swearing out loud. Completely predictably, Coco Crisp rips a two RBI triple into right, tying the game. Mariano is now 0-2 on save opportunities. Cora hit, 7-6 Red Sox. This is officially ridiculous. Cora caught stealing and Mariano is completely out of it, just threw one to the backstop. Papelbon not warming in the 'pen as Mariano strikes out Lugo. Okajima to pitch the 9th.

10:12: Due up? Jeter, Abreu, ARod. Nah, it'll never happen. No way will the Yankees come back. Not against a Japanese lefthanded reliever.

10:15: Here we go, Hideki Okajima (not a typo) pitching the 9th. 8Ks in 6.1 IP, I am not optimistic. Joel Pineiro warming in case there's any trouble. Which is like saying they'll bring in Mengele for a surgical consult. This Okajima fellow looks ABOUT thirteen years old. Bounces one to Jeter, replay shows that he DOESN'T LOOK AT HOME PLATE when he releases the ball. Scary.

10:18: 2-0 to the Cap'n. Terry Francona smiling in the dugout... he's a real smug prick. Jeter grounds out to second. Abreu coming up.

10:19: No way Abreu gets on and ARod hits a home run... no way. 1-0 to El Commanduce (actual John Sterling nickname, btw). Nasty slider has Abreu down 1-2. Abreu has balls of steel, watching a fastball brush by the outside corner, 3-2.

10:22: He walked him!! (!!) ARod up against whoever Francona decides to let face him. Gonna let the lefty handle him... 0-1. 1-1 on a not-so-close outside fastball. 2-1 on a nickel curve out past the outside corner. 3-1 on a curveball, gonna walk him for Kevin Thomson, Torre will counter with Josh Phelps. 3-2 on a nasty looking curveball over the inside corner. Very odd pitch selection. Line drive at Alex Cora, 2 outs. ::Sigh:: Kevin Thompson will bat, so Torre waves the white flag apparently. What a oddly managed fucking game out of Torre, and now I'm pissed. In retrospect, having a moment while Kevin Thompson prolongs my agony, Torre doesn't have anyone else to catch, so he needs Phelps to pinch hit for Nieves, can't use DH if you make him a catcher. Fuck you, Red Sox.