Doogie Howdoeshehaveajob-ser

Ladies and gentlemen,
I believe Brian Cashman is an above-average General Manager. I think even without the Yankees John Goodman-sized payroll, he would have a winning team on the field. That being said, the handling of the Yankees first base situation this offseason spring has been nothing short of sickening.
The plan is to have Jason Giambi manning the pine for the defensive innings, where he is definitively not comfortable (check his career splits between DH and 1B, and yes yes, I know that generally, he DH'ed alot early when his legs were shot, so that skews the stats, but fuck you, I'm writing here), and have Doug Mientkiewicz (I swear I didn't have to look the spelling up) and either Andy "Happy to Be Here" Phillips and Josh "Rule 5" Phelps platoon at first. Please let me explain, from the perspective of a rational Yankee fan, why this is a terrible idea. Alot of this has been said, but my therapist says it helps.
Doug Mientkiewicz has never hit like a first baseman should. Career line: .270 .359 .405. Not bad for a middle infielder or catcher, but for a first-bagger he is well below the average. OOH OOH, you might say, ROUGH JUSTICE, HE'LL SAVE AS MANY RUNS A GAME WITH HIS GLOVE AS HE MIGHT NOT SCORE! I'd say, your drinking the fucking Kool-Aid on that. One of the reasons why Doogie hasn't really hit well, or even to his career average, the past few years, is because of major back problems which, as a fellow, albeit non-athletic sufferer, I sympathize with. I don't care if you are George Sisler over there, as a first baseman, unless you drop the routine throws from second, third and short, your fielding does not significantly alter the game. I mean, fuck, Frank Thomas played there in PLAYOFF games. And don't give me the bullshit that he can be somehow "hidden" in the deep Yankee lineup. He'll knock into double play after double play and ruin rallies until Cashman/Torre do something about it. Oh, and his spring training average is sub-.062. One hit. ONE HIT.
Andy Phillips sucks. Next question.
Josh Phelps is a very interesting name. Well not an interesting name, but an interesting player. He hits the shit out of lefties, and as one of those righties (there are alot of them) that does so, he deserves a double and triple look at a platoon position. He's also having a torrid (good word, brah) spring. Here's what the Yanks should do. Platoon Phelps and Giambi at first, playing Phelps or Giambi there based on who is feeling fresh (they are both atrocious enough with the glove to make this a wash, fielding-wise) but sitting Phelps against most righties and DH'ing Matsui or Abreu (both getting creaky) and playing my personal boy, Melky Cabrera, at LEAST four times a week. This way, against lefties, we get to see the Giambino rest his legs and Phelps swing for the moon. The majority of the time, however, give Melky his 350-400 ABs. I submit that this is ultimately what is going to happen. If it doesn't, expect Sexson in pinstripes by July.

-RJ